omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
