sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The power of my boobs compel you
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
