Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
