If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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