The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
As shirtless as possible
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
