my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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