I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize