I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
