At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We left the knife in your bed.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
