So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
