Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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