how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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