that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
