It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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