Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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