I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
