It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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