I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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