Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
