Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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