well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
we're making bets on your personal life
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
