I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
