hotel room ftw
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
