I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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