just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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