You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Randomize
