Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
