trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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