Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
