My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She bit a glass in half.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
