after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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