I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Four minutes until I can fart!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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