Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
