So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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