if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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