It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
