everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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