i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
