Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
