Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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