dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
