considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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