She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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