i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
