He is such a slut. More and more my type.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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