I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
