oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
