So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
