the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
