God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
