i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize