i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
