There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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