Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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