I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
