when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
