So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
